I Am Too Much Alone

I Am Much Too Alone in This World, Yet Not Alone

I am much too alone in this world, yet not alone
enough
to truly consecrate the hour.
I am much too small in this world, yet not small
enough
to be to you just object and thing,
dark and smart.
I want my free will and want it accompanying
the path which leads to action;
and want during times that beg questions,
where something is up,
to be among those in the know,
or else be alone.

I want to mirror your image to its fullest perfection,
never be blind or too old
to uphold your weighty wavering reflection.
I want to unfold.
Nowhere I wish to stay crooked, bent;
for there I would be dishonest, untrue.
I want my conscience to be
true before you;
want to describe myself like a picture I observed
for a long time, one close up,
like a new word I learned and embraced,
like the everday jug,
like my mother’s face,
like a ship that carried me along
through the deadliest storm.

by Rainer Maria Rilke
Translated by Annemarie S. Kidder

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Yesterday  was a disappointment for me. Last Saturday contained all kinds of spiritual beauty and communication, yet yesterday was like any other Saturday experienced by the spiritually dead or inert.

I sat in front of my morning prayer/reading/reminder (see last blog post) and ….nothing. Not even the smallest sense of contact. I wanted to go into my “see…. He isn’t really back with me” place of self disillusionment, yet I turned my back on that abyss of escape and went about my day.

The paycheck is short this period because of the holidays, which I do not receive pay for. Its part of my new reality in which I am underpaid, and receive crappy benefits, so far removed from my former work life and experience. Yep..those mid life career changes will kill ya!

I wondered how to come up with the last $20 I needed for my rent.  I deposited the rent check yesterday, even though I was unexpectedly short that crucial $20.

10 minutes ago , I received a call from a client that occasionally needed my help in the past. Her dog requires regular fluid therapy, which is usually supplied by another person. My services haven’t been called upon in a couple of months. Unexpectedly, that person was unable to show up to give Murphy her fluids. My usual charge? $20.

Is He good or what?

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During my 4 year dark night, I cast about wildly in every direction seeking an open doorway back to the God I had previously been securely enveloped in. Nothing worked, but many doors were anxiously jiggled and attempted.

One of the doors I tried briefly was that of Anne, a lay apostle.  Anne, a wife, mother of six, and a Secular Franciscan, experienced a spiritual healing on an  inspired pilgrimage to Medjugorje.  A quiet but significant thing happened to her. During her communions, she spoke with Jesus conversationally. This had happened before on occasion so she was not stunned or overcome. The conversations continued all that winter. At some time in the six months that followed her trip, the conversations leaked into her life and came at odd times throughout the day. Jesus began to direct her with decision and she found it more and more difficult to refuse when He asked her to do this or that. She told no one.

I signed up to receive her monthly messages, but read them less and less as they had no impact on me. I am a former Catholic, and find Catholicism unwieldy as well as some parts of it questionable, including its high-profile centering on Mary. The messages actually seemed rather forced and created and so my reading ceased, although I continued to receive the email and to delete it every month.

The weekend past found an openness in me that was previously blocked. Its absence leaves me readily accessible, at least in quiet moments.  Tuesday morning found a message in my email, and I followed the prompting to open and read it.

surprise, and yet no surprise, the message was for me.  It follows:

December 1, 2009

Jesus

My dear apostle, you must remember that we are not separated. Sometimes, in your weariness, you pray and seek understanding of the situations in your life. When you do this, please remember that I am with you. You are not separated from Me when your thoughts seek to provide you with answers. If you remind your self that I am not separate from you, you will search for truth more calmly and with more confidence that there is an answer to your many dilemmas. Please do not concern yourself if you are distracted in prayer. Use these times of distraction to talk to Me. Tell me what is distracting you and we will talk about it together. We are together, after all, so I am there. If a certain pattern of sin is troubling you, ask Me how I feel about it. Ask for My observations. You, my beloved apostle, are a studier of Me and how I treated others. Because of your desire to know me, you have a familiarity with My heart that others lack. I will give you the answers you seek, both in terms of your spiritual condition and in terms of the holiest way to conduct yourself in each situation you confront. We are not separate. We are together. Worries of major proportion would only be problematic for you if you were being asked to assure a holy outcome alone or if you were being asked to travel through the period without Me. I promise you that I will be with you and that the outcomes occurring around you will be consistent with My will. I cannot promise you that in your humanity you will always rejoice in My will, especially when there is pain. But I can promise you that the greatest amount of mercy will be obtained through your commitment to remaining with Me, united in the life that is yours. All is well. I am with you. I will be generous to My beloved apostles in this holy time of Advent. Be acutely aware of My presence. When you look at all around you, look with My eyes. This will give you the understanding that will insure peace for you. All is well. The infant returns through your heart, as the King.

This will be my morning reading for the forseeable future.

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